In the tenth grade, I went on a date with a boy who refused to share his Sonic tater-tots with me. I not only categorize that as the worst date I have ever been on, but also as an embarrassingly direct example that chivalry is very, very dead and has no reasonable means of resurrection.
I have gone on a plethora of awkward first dates and been an emotional support dog to boys who didn’t deserve it. I don’t have high expectations for teenage boys. My dating pool may seem slim to critics of my current relationship endeavors, but they haven’t considered the option that I am currently pursuing: vampires.
Yes! A vampire boyfriend, an undead, immortal, hunk of a man that’s ready to respect me as an empowered woman and won’t barge into my house without invitation! And if things ever get bad, I know that a quick whiff of some Olive Garden’s garlic bread will end all of my problems in a jiffy. You may think that going to the supernatural for an addition to my dating pool is a bit extreme for a girl that just wants a hubby, but you have failed to recognize the endless benefits that come from having a vampire boo thang at my disposal.
Not only will I be able to steal his vintage sweaters and hoodies from his past thousands of years of existence, I get to rediscover the joys of sunblock! Plus, he’s got a Transylvanian accent! Vampires are known for being super hot, also, so why wouldn’t I go for it?
The benefits of this type of man outweigh the cons of him accidentally turning me into a vampire by biting me and the fact that I’m a mere mortal and I will die before him and he will have to live forever after mourning his super cool and cute human girlfriend. I mean, he’ll be faithful, we can go on fun night time dates (unlike a werewolf who would cause a lot of problems during full moons) and he probably has big muscles. I mean, I won’t really be able to pursue a marriage with him in a Catholic Church because his presence in a church is enough to kill him due to the abundance of holy water. But let’s face it: most boys these days would probably shrivel up in a church too!
Boys these days focus on the trivial aspects of a girl: her looks, her personality, her goals and aspirations, childhood stories and worst of all, even having a future with her. Vampires care about the deep stuff such as my blood type, favorite Twilight movie and my knowledge of Vlad the Impaler. So if my winter formal date this year seems a bit out of the ordinary, just know that our relationship is as real as it gets.