Column by J1 Reporter Erin Connelly

The characters in the Netflix television show, “New Girl” are many things, but musically talented is not one of them.The infamous intro song with the main character, Jess, singing puts on full display the true extent of her musical abilities. Which, to say the least, the average tone deaf person can carry a tune better. Hearing her off-key singing led me to wonder, what instruments would the other characters play if they were to form a band? Well, the auditions start now…

Each character has their own distinct and unique personality, so the instruments they play would have to be just as unique and different to match their personality. Let’s start off band tryouts with the one and only Nick Miller. His witty humor and author persona lead me to believe he would be somewhat of a prodigy at either the musical stylings of a piccolo or the classical instrument of the washboard. Obviously, he can’t perform both instruments at once since it is evident throughout the show that he has a hard enough time sticking to one task. He will attempt the craft of the piccolo first. He will soon realize there are too many buttons and notes to memorize and play, then trade it out for the much simpler instrument. So, Nick Miller will finally settle for the beautiful and classical instrument of the washboard. 

Next up for the audition, the musical prodigy Winston. The instrument he will play was the most obvious and clear decision of them all, he will display his musical talents and expertise with the complex instrument of the handbells. Winston displayed his natural talent for the skill of handbells in season three when he first tried them out with the troubled youth Jess was attempting to teach. He obviously showed her up with his effortless talent. This sparked jealousy from Jess so hopefully that doesn’t stir up drama for the future of the band. 

Now, on to the classical Schmitt. His funny personality, coupled with his sophisticated manner and know-it-all ways will lead him to become a beautiful saxophone player. The saxophone appears to be a classical, yet jazzy instrument which will serve Schmitt well. Bonus points if his music playing can drown out the noise from Nick’s washboard. 

Coach comes and goes as the show goes on, so he would be a very inconsistent band member. This could lead to many feuds in the band but they will decide to keep him around because he provides a spunk and unique presence to the band. The instrument he plays will be just as unpredictable and out there as Coach – he will be the lead pianist on the triple decker keyboard. 

Jess, despite a lot of resistance from the others, will become the lead singer. She will start off by writing her own songs but ultimately end with just singing cover songs when she finds out she doesn’t know how to write sheet music for the washboard or the triple decker keyboard. 

Finally, Cece will be forced by the others to join the band. She would refuse to play any sort of instrument so she would use her talents as being the manager of the band. She would be amazing at this job because she has previous experience with being a modeling agent so this could be a promotion for her career. 

The band auditions are finally over and everyone was successful enough in their auditions to make the cut for the band. Well, that and no one else auditioned to be in their band. This eclectic group will hopefully go far in their career and who knows? Maybe they’ll even get a record deal.