collettegillaspie

Preparation for college has me analyzing everything I do. I now narrate my life in the form of a college essay. Every time I open the fridge, I ask myself, “Are you going to eat something noteworthy today? How can your choice in a snack show the meaning of food in your life? Describe the vital steps you take in choosing a snack.”

Putting it lightly, lots of things have changed since junior year. For one thing, I now stare at my assignment notebook longer than I stare at pictures of Chris Pine. I also have the strange need to call my counselor “Mom,” considering I see her more than my actual family.

In addition, my attention span has decreased dramatically.* I now have the unique ability to glaze over during any conversation. If you are wondering what I think about during these “zone out” times, let me tell you: not much. I like to think that my vacant thoughts revolve around profound and inspiring revelations, but they usually revolve around the many flavors of Papillion’s Just Pop’d popcorn. Did you know that Just Pop’d has more than 60 flavors?

Lack of sleep is another side effect of senior year. Let’s be honest, though, lack of sleep is an issue all four years of high school. Why I ever intentionally pulled all-nighters during middle school, I will never know. I like to trick my brain into thinking that I get a lot of sleep. On particularly late nights, I go to sleep with the mindset of “I’m just going to take a quick nap now.” When I wake up the next morning, my mind says “Gee! What a long, restful nap!” It’s all about perspective, ladies.

Being a night owl is not a bad thing, though! It has its benefits. For example, you can–Well, you are–Um, yeah… I got nothing.

Another gem of both senior year and the general high school experience is that everyone wants to know what your future holds. All of a sudden, I went from meek middle schooler to full-blown adult. Goodbye kiddie menus and hello 1040, U.S. Individual Income Tax Return! This reminds me: I have to work on my will! Who wants to be included? Your options are my gently used snorkel and fins, a “Nancy Drew” book with missing pages and a torn cover, and my sweet ride–the Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon is my precious 2001 gold Honda Civic. It’s a fourth generation hand-me-down that you can call “vintage” and “hipster.” But I digress…
Adults often ask me the terrifying question, “What are you going to do with the rest of your life?” I simultaneously hold back screams of horror and despair. More likely than not, I usually respond with the equivalent of a dry heave, “BLEGHUGH!”

After responding to The Question, I’m really angsty for the rest of the day.

Mom: How was your day?

Me: WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! (Screams. Runs into room. Slams door.)

Let me tell you a secret. The person who said high school is easy is a liar. High school is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. One week, there are 40 tests. The next week, you are the middle woman during a fight between friends. Sometimes, both crises occur at the same time.

To stay sane, I like to imagine my future self, specifically the elusive Eighth Semester Collette. What a pro. She has the whole college thing figured out. Until then, I must focus on the things that are important in life, like getting enough sleep and choosing my next flavor of Just Pop’d popcorn. I’m thinking white chocolate drizzled kettle corn with Mike and Ike’s…

*CAUTION: The reader should take note that the author exhibited times of “zoning out” during the production of this article. She takes full responsibility for any confusion on behalf of the reader.”

“Be unique,” college says. “Make us impressed,” college says. “You are competing against millions of talented kids across the nation, so you better impress me,” college really insinuates. According to “c-dawg the MVP” from Yahoo Answers, colleges are looking for someone who can “write real good.”

Therefore, I have compiled a list of tips to Common App questions to help you get the ball rolling on your college apps. Call me your free college counselor.

Common App question one: “Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.”

Unless your special talent is yodeling professionally in the Swiss Alps, this question will be a toughie. Need to spice up your answer? Throw in a little anecdote about the time you won the Food Network Challenge with your cherries jubilee flambé. Never did that? Details, details.

Common App question two: “The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?”

I think your best option here is to admit that you are so perfect, you have never truly experienced failure. After all, failure would be a blemish on your entire existence. A good college applicant never lets her guard down.

Common App question three: “Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?”

Recall a time in history when a belief or idea was challenged. For example, write about your personal experience fighting in the Revolutionary War. Talk about how you valiantly protested against King George. Boom. There’s your answer to number three. There is nothing wrong with being creative. Who cares whether or not you’re being factually valid?

Common App question four: “Describe a problem you’ve solved or a problem you’d like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma―anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.”

Here, you should complain profusely about how exhausting it is to apply for college. Explain your idea for National College Application Day. Every high school senior will take a day off with the intention of completing college apps. No worries, you will not actually have to do anything for college on this day. Just pretend like you did.

Common App question five: “Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.”

This is your time to brag about yourself. Instead of listing just one accomplishment like the question asks, list at least 40. Graders will love to read your completely “arrogant” response.